Monday, November 10, 2014

Thoughts on online dating

I will do a proper post about my return to NYC, I will.  But right this minute I'm having an awful lot of feelings about the shit show that is online dating.  I have delved into this strange and frightening world with the encouragement and testimonies of friends. 
Oh my god
What the - sorry - what the fuck??
So far it's pretty depressing, for a few reasons.
20-something guys in the NYC area love to tell you certain things in their online profile and one of the most common is 'I'm well-travelled.' Someone should explain to these idiots that that does not assign you any merit.  It's thrown out there in their self-summaries as if one should read it and think 'well-travelled? That's almost as important as a chiseled jawline!' If you are well-travelled, I'm sure it is reflected in your wide cultural horizons, your enjoyment of a veritable smorgasbord of international cuisine, your command of multiple languages - I'm sure that's all true and congratulations. But being well-travelled rarely makes you merit-worthy, it mostly makes you lucky.  I'm sure many of the other chaps on these online services would be well-travelled too but maybe they had to pay exorbitant hospital bills, maybe their house burned down, maybe they have a condition that prevents them from flying. Don't use 'well-travelled' as a bragging right, you dick.

Another thing a lot of young trendy guys like to say is that they love spending time with friends and 'good whisky'. Good whisky.  Good whisky? Who gives a fuck if you like good whisky?? Like, if I want to go out with you, all you ever have is whisky and I can't have a gin and tonic? Either that or 80% of the men who use online dating services are genuine connoisseurs of whisky and therefore qualified to make such statements, which I do not believe.  So shut the fuck up about your whisky and why are you even specifying? If we go for drinks and you order a whisky, I'm not going to swoon, it's barely going to register. I wouldn't expect you to ask me about my gin and tonic. And why is it always whisky, why do no guys say they are rum experts or tequila experts? At least be original.

Next pet hate: 'I'm a laid-back guy'. As if anyone would write 'I'm a very highly strung, intense and anxious guy'. The phrase becomes so ubiquitous that it is redundant.

'I hate writing these things....' proceeds to write three paragraphs and that's just the summary, forget the favourite things.  That's some pretty clear subtext to spot, 'I want to seem humble but actually just talk about myself a lot'.

'Tech startup' what even is that, it is a meaningless phrase

Profile pictures that look like mugshots.  Who are you trying to pull??

'I am good at making people laugh' no, just no. I'll be the judge of that when we don't go ut because I was too annoyed by the rest of your profile.

'I can usually be found hiking biking, longboarding, mountain climbing, surfing, basejumping...etcetcetc' Right... why do you bother living in NYC then? Why do you live here and not in Colorado/Northern California? This doesn't make logical sense.

I just read a new favourite, on a typical Friday night 'if there's a concert, I'm probably there'. Ah, at the one concert that happens in NYC every Friday night  then? Or do you mean you go to to all the many, many separate concerts, somehow, all in one night? Or do you mean that you're making a sweeping statement in the hope of sounding more exciting?

I spend a lot of time thinking about...' existentialism'. Seriously? How boring.  In my 'thinking about' section I said that I spend a lot of time thinking about food, friends and what I have to do for the rest of the day. If you've got the time and the ease to not think about any of those and can sit around mulling human existence, bully for you.

Ok I can't think of any more just at present, also I should stop because wow this makes me really cross. But there will be more, oh yes yes yes.  Cathartic blog post, done.

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